Honest Conversation Is Overrated
Actual Human Interactions Witnessed Or Overheard
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
In my spam folder this morning: "You got a wink from Sauron! (Asia)"
If I didn't know it was automated spam, I would write back: "How can you possibly tell when Sauron is winking from when Sauron is blinking?"
0 Comments
Pro Tip: When on a first date at a coffeehouse or restaurant, do not spend twenty minutes talking about how you couldn't find environmentally friendly lightbulbs for your apartment, so you sat in the dark for three months, punctuating the story with how you wanted to "have all of the babies" of the guy at the hardware store who helped you track down the lights you need, even though he was "too old for baby having".
Definitely don't epilogue the story about how you couldn't wait for the bulbs anymore so you figured "Fudge the environment, I don't plan on living long anyway." While you go to the bathroom, your date will ask a total stranger to text him an "emergency text" so that he can leave without feeling especially guilty. And I will agree to help your date, feeling no guilt whatsoever. Random Dude: "It's too bad you're not a bottom. We could have fun."
Me: "Such is life." RD: "What are you doing tonight? Want to hook up?" Me: "I'm working. And we don't appear to be a match." RD: "We could meet where you work. Hawt." Me: "Not really. I'm a security guard at a museum." RD: "Museum sex. Hawt." Me: "I work at the Museum Of Screaming Babies in the Used Diaper Wing." RD: "LOL. Where really?" Me: "Are you calling me a liar?" RD: "Museum Of Science?" Me: "No. We don't experiment on babies. That would be cruel." Me: "Although that might explain the screaming." Me: "Oh my god. Do I work at a baby torturing museum?" Me: "I'm sorry. I have to go and reevaluate my life decisions now. Thanks for the chat." Guy: "We went on a date once. Cambridge Common? It was fun. Then I never heard from you again."
Me: "That can not be true." Guy: "Why not?" Me: "How could I forget going on a date with a guy named Kirby?" Guy: "Because I'm pink and I do a lot of blowing?" Me: "..." "I was going to say because I work in comics and Jack Kirby is a really important name. If we only had dinner in a restaurant, I'm guessing I never found out about the other implication." Guy frowns. Me: "No." Guy: "No. Just checking your slut-o-meter." Me: "Says the guy who mentioned giving a lot of blow jobs." Guy: "It's a line. I'm not really pink, either." Me: "You've got great pictures. It's sort of refreshing to see clothed pictures of people doing cool things."
Him: "Thanks, you too." Me: "What are you doing in the fourth picture?" Him: "Walking against the wind. I'm studying to be a mime." Me: "I like a man with a sense of humor." Him: "Thanks. I really am studying to be a mime, though." Him, twenty minutes later: "Hello?" If he's on the psychic mime wave, he'll sense that I'm shaking my head and not responding to his emails. Random Guy On Dating Site: "wht r u in2?"
Me: "Vowels." And then *I* get blocked? Man, I thought my T9 typos were bad, this iPad is killing me.
I MEANT to ask dude if he was looking for a "potential distraction" between my work and going home and between his work and going home. Instead, my iPad asked if he wanted a "disappointing interaction". Uncalled for. Bored on a Wednesday night, Ben has made a new dating profile “A. Ackbar.” which is just a picture of the famous rebel admiral with a profile that reads “It’s a trap!”
He spends hours trolling the various guys who message him asking for dick pics. He sends them pictures of tentacles. I don’t need to be this creative. All I have to do is sign in to my account and, within five minutes I get a message like the following: ”Love your profile. You out in the snow today, babe? Want to come stick your carrot in my face?” To which I reply, ”Hahahaha, no. Not ever. How about I just stop by and press coal into your eyes?” Then he blocked me. "Is it weird that we’re friends and I stumbled on your OKCupid profile? I mean we were kind of a perfect match." He laughs nervously.
If all you can think of to write in your dating profile is “I like to live life”, we probably don’t have enough in common to bother meeting.
Personally, I like to breathe breath. |
Categories
All
Archives
December 2023
|